22 August 2010

If I Had A Millions Dollars...

When I thought of this blog title, it immediately put the following song in my head:

I'm going to bet the $1,000,000 that this video won't work.
Edit: I've posted the video, and it totally works. Making this post a moot point because I've now given up my riches thanks to my failed video prediction.

The point here is what I would do with my life if true financial freedom were achieved to the point that money was no longer an issue- this would probably actually cost more than $1,000,000. But here would be my life plan if that happened:

-I'd, of course, pay off my student loans. That would be the most joyous check I've ever written. There would be tear stains on the check. Happy tear stains.

-I'd buy my parents and my sister's family both houses. And reliable cars. My family has always had this dream of having a family compound on the east side of town, complete with a gated entryway and private tennis court. I'd invite Maria Sharapova over to show me a thing or two. About tennis.

-I'd buy a historic building in downtown Joetown. In said building would be living space for me upstairs along with business space downstairs for the following: my mom's crafting, my dad's drumming (which is already an operating business looking for downtown retail space at a reasonable price- check out Drum Monkey!), my friend Amanda's vegangasm (or whatever we're going to end up calling that place) vegan bakery/restaurant/whatevs, and my independent movie theatre modeled after one of my favorite places- the Ragtag Theatre in Columbia, Missouri, and, my dream, a non-profit tutoring/writing center for kids modeled after what my not-actually-but-would-be-awesome-if-we-were BFF Dave Eggers, 826 Valencia. So I might need more than one building.
Edit: Much of this paragraph is grammatically repugnant.

-I'd make a sizeable donation to the SJSD that would involve nothing more than the English departments at the three high schools having a fund to use for buying things they need that are awesome and amazing for kids. No PD could be purchased with the money. In fact, I'd appoint my friend Vickey as head of deciding what can and cannot be bought with the money, as I trust her BS radar. Anyway- there would be a partnership between the SJSD and my 826 Valencia like place. It'll make sense once I have that awesome mon-ay (pronounced like M.I.A. does in "Paper Planes" of course).

-I'd make a sizeable donation to the University of Missouri because I've always wanted to have a building named after me. I'd donate to the College of Education, of course, and I would establish "The Brandon S. Haskey Center for Teachers Who Care About Kids and Not Test Scores" or something like that. I think that's a fair summary of the mission statement of my place.

-I'd have a summer home in New York City because, as we've established, I love that place.

-I would accomplish the following travel related dreams: seeing a baseball game at every MLB stadium (I've, sadly only been to three at this point: Kauffman Stadium, Citi Field, and Yankees Stadium (the new one). I could've said Busch Stadium, but they tore the old one down, so I haven't made it out to the new one yet), seeing the castles of Scotland (I actually have a ridiculous fantasy about how this would work- I'd travel by car to the countryside outside Edinburgh, sit in a field with too-tall grass on a blanket, and write poetry all day. Specifically, it's a cool day and I need a jacket.), seeing the art of Italy, going to Japan and listening to the entirety of Weezer's Pinkerton album, and several others that I can't think of off the top of my head. It's gonna be pretty sweet. As an aside- rumor has it Weezer is going to tour playing only songs from the blue album and Pinkerton- awesome.

-I'd take epic road trips with my friends. We're already planning a potential road trip for next summer... awww yeah!

-I'd donate to/start an organization about teen suicide prevention. Really just any suicide prevention. Maybe I'd incorporate it into my 826 Valencia location. I just heard about a woman who committed suicide yesterday who several of my family members knew and, in fact, had subsitute taught for me before. It's a tragedy, and it heightens the tragedy when no one talks about it. I want to make people talk about it. I'm 26 years old, and I know six people who have attempted suicide, three of whom were successful. And, to be fair, that six number is conservative because, thinking further, I know of a few others. I just have a passion for suicide prevention that I'd love to explore with these imaginary unlimited financial resources.

And a ton more. Listen, these are just dreams for now, but I'd love to make these things happen some day. What would you do with hypothetical millions of dollars?


  1. I find that this post is best read while listening to "If I Had A Million Dollars" on loop. It's very fitting.

    I feel like everything you want to do is amazing. Mostly doing things for others. But you'd still be completely fulfilled. You should add taking a trip to New Orleans on the list of places to visit on your boss road trip. It would be so great to see you!

    Now, if your ending question was rhetorical, I'm just going to feel like an ass, but if it wasn't, I am proud to answer.

    If I had a million dollars, I'd pay off my student loans, buy a decent house and pay off someone to hire me as a teacher (because I'm that desperate for a job). I'd also finish paying off my Mom's debts (house and car) and get her a new wardrobe and a spa day. She never spoils herself.
    I would also buy my dog a wheelchair for future use on account of her three-legged-ness.
    I'd also get new high-threadcount bedsheets and a comforter that doesn't have any holes in it (the pups get carried away with destroying things).
    Oh. And a home theatre. BAM!

  2. Not at all rhetorical! I want people to answer! Yay!

  3. one thing i have always said i would do if i ever came into money would be to set up a scholarship at central for female percussionists. besides that, i would put away $ for all 5 kids to go to college debt free. i would pay off YOUR student loans :) (you're welcome!!) i would also set up the Haskey Compoud somewhere right outside of town. i'd honetly give a lot of it away to various places: grace house, the pregnancy resource center, etc.

  4. Ah yes, I think I'd pay for your kids to go to college as well :) And thanks for the loan payments! Um... let's just pray that can actually happen :-p

  5. Love your blog...though I guess I've been a lurker for the past couple of weeks instead of telling you.

    If I had a million dollars, I would...
    * do many of the things you'd mentioned. I especially love the $ for SJSD English departments and for an 826 Valencia-like center. I've actually thought about that one myself. We should check into it. =)
    *set up a ridiculously large "college" fund for Massey. She would have to go to college to reap the benefits, but she would also be able to spend the capital on extras (Spring Break, overseas travel, whatever would make her comfortable).
    *buy and set up a record store for Todd, much like Championship Vinyl from High Fidelity. I'm pretty sure he's a mish-mash of Rob and Barry.
    *donate to as many LGBT charities/organizations as possible
    *buy a summer home in San Francisco, the city who has my heart
    *take my besties on at least one vacation to a tropical destination each year
    *go to France and become a certified creeper near Johnny Depp's chateau for a while
    *post bond after being arrested for aforementioned creeper status
    *take a year-long sabbatical a la Eat, Pray, Love

  6. Oops...I may have to scrap the house in SF...they'll take up too much of the money.